When you’re hurt, there’s no denying it – and most of us don’t really try very hard. You feel it and try to move on.
But we approach moments of joy, of ecstasy, with such caution. The best and most important people in my life have always defied and challenged my expectations, demanded more of me than I was comfortable giving. Sometimes they demanded I be more than I am – sometimes they challenged me by being so nice to me that I had to admit how unworthy I felt.
These people promised the brightest moments in my life but, all too often, I held back, afraid of their power over me, afraid they might not live up to expectations or might come back to bite me later.
And usually – let’s face it – they do.
When I look back (which I don’t do that often), I realize the brightest moments of my life were just that – moments. Sometimes moments in the midst of longer relationships, sometimes not. Sometimes the best moments were followed by swift or lingering pain. But the joyful moments are still inside me and always will be.
More to the point, I realize that protecting myself never bought me a joyful moment. I haven’t had near enough of them for the amount of pain I’ve had, maybe because I ‘protected’ myself from too many wonderful moments, while nothing protected me from the painful ones.
So I’m trying real hard these days to live without buffers, to feel what I feel, to take what comes, chew it up and swallow. I’ll worry about digesting later.
Time isn’t creeping up on me; it’s sprinting past. I want EVERYTHING that’s real and I’ll take a few mirages too if they add to the richness when it’s all over. There’s no such thing as living life too fully.
I read a quote from an Israeli general recently, that life is so short and we’re dead so long…
That kind of sums it up…